Mothers must share their experiences. We all must.

Why should we share our thoughts and experiences? 

We must share because we tend to learn better from another person’s life lessons. And we also get to see a particular situation from different perspectives.

One hot June afternoon, as I lay on the tile floor cuddled with my girls telling them stories from their childhood and mine, my phoned beeped. A message in my chat box. Nothing special about it…right?

It was special. It was from someone I had been friends with through Facebook for over two years. But we had never interacted previously. A few likes here and there on photos and status updates.

What was common between us? We were both mothers. 

She told me that one of my old posts on our life with Dad working in a different country stayed with her. And then she asked if I could help her in understanding her older child’s psyche as they were in a similar situation. We chatted for a few minutes. But as I shared my childhood experience, why I was not close to my mother and what troubled me, she immediately related it with her recent experiences. She said she’ll take corrective measures immediately to help her older child. And I was happy that sharing my experiences might have helped her take control at the right time.

Children are innocent. Soft like clay. You can mould them the way you want in the first few years. But everything depends on the way they perceive your actions. So give logical explanations to support your actions. Understand they will.

When Dad left for the Mid-East, I was five and my sister was just over a year-old. Mom was working as a teacher in the same school that I attended.  We had three of our relatives staying with us to “help her” take care of us. Mom was the best. But she had lots of responsibilities as a mother of two, a teacher, a single parent and the additional burden of having people at home. And this left her with not much time to express her love. 
I was the older child but not old enough to understand her situation. I had suddenly been deprived of my Hero. My Dad. And like every child, I wanted to take refuge in Mom and her cuddles. I would go up to her every now and then to smother her with kisses and if she was in the midst of cooking, washing or nursing, she would either scold, ignore, postpone or show irritation. I would feel hurt. At night I seldom got to sleep with Mom because of my aunt who wouldn’t let me sleep next to her. They thought I might kick the little baby. I would lean over to kiss Mom a good night and she would push me away. Not because she loved me any less, but because she was worried that I might hurt my little sis.

I was staying physically with my mom but in my mind I had wandered away from her. Far far away. To me she was someone who gave me instructions and I had to follow. Almost like a hostel warden. She did cuddle with me occasionally but by then I was least interested. The bridge was already built. And I was at the far end of it. Poor Mom didn’t even know that her child wasn’t the same anymore. Imagine how all those years could have been saved had I told her about my feelings right then or if she had spoken to me at length. Now when I share it with her she feels bad, so I don’t. 

These were small instances for big people, but for that five-year old, it meant a lot. I wanted to write it all to Dad, but I was scared of hurting Mom when she reads the letters. So I didn’t. Now I think I should have. I should have shared it all with someone, so my mother could get a hint of what I was going through. I regret this and so I share every possible thing that I learn from my parenting experience or others with as many as possible. Sharing is caring. And you never know who finds help in your experiences. So share you must. 

I try and express my love for the girls as much as possible. But I am sure they will have their own set of complaints against me. Every generation has its own book of complaints and regrets. All we can do is to do our best. 

So read, share and act, I will. Will you?


8 Replies to “Mothers must share their experiences. We all must.”

  1. Rekha as an elder kid despite my father being posted in same city I felt a similar detachment from my mother when sister was born. Being a parent can never be two people’s job it has to be a collective wisdom of all we can gather, hence sharing is important 🙂

  2. Loved your post.. and can understand what you must have gone through during your childhood.. but you have come out of it strong, and you are parenting your kids in the best possible manner.. As for your mother, she too would have gone through so much, with additional responsibilities.. i salute to her too…

  3. Rekha, love your post. My heart goes out to your mother. Earlier when I was working with a commute of 4 hours, I had only a couple of hours with my children. I would be irritable with the never ending work, the stess of getting a good maid to look for the children and a hundred other things to co-ordinate so the household works like a smooth engine. I only realised what I had been missing, when I started working from home. Just being at home, has changed the equations I am now enjoying with my children. It must have been tough for your mom.

  4. Hey! I can relate to it as I too feel very less connection with my family. I try my best to do the contrary or understand them but nothing is working out and now I am just thinking ‘am I so mean that can’t even love my parents?’ But what to do? I am just like that can’t pretend on things or whatever……

  5. It’s so true how such small things can change us a person where feel less connected to the family as someone mentions it. It’s only later that I realized that I didn’t respond to love of my parents and trying to make amend..but was on a different mode. Though, I am trying to disconnect myself because at some stage, anything can happen.

  6. This was really wonderful to read, Rekha. Not the pain and the hurt you felt, but the lessons you took away from the pain. To want to share that with others because they should not go through something similar is such a warm gesture. Stay blessed and keep inspiring others.

  7. That’s a beautifully written honest post. I was one since I was the older one. I still can’t let things hang in there. I’ve to take charge where ever I go n whatever I do 🙂

  8. It makes me sad too to know how much you craved for affection, Rekha! I can also understand that as a child, it is difficult to express yourself, especially if you aren’t really encouraged to do so!
    We can only try not to repeat the same mistakes with our kids, but, as you mention, every generation will have its own set of complaints! 🙂

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