It pained again. This time unusually severe it was. Or may be it’s been years I’ve gotten rid of that same kind of pain. I’m not used to it anymore. I’m told my patience and tolerance is coming down while everything else is going up. My endurance level too would have gone down simultaneously. But I can’t let this happen to me. It cannot be like this. It should not be.
I crouched on the floor, clutching my stomach, doubled in pain. Tears were rolling down. I suddenly held them back. I am strong. I told myself. Yes. I am strong. You can’t beat me again and again.
I wish I had Mom by my side. But then I was glad she wasn’t. I don’t want her to see me cry. She’ll be heartbroken. I won’t, Mom. I won’t. I’m fine. I’m absolutely fine.
It was midnight. They were all sleeping. Sleeping like babies. I didn’t want to wake them up. I didn’t want to let go of this moment. I didn’t want to let go of any of them. I didn’t want to let go of this life. These are all precious to me. Much much more precious than my own self. I have craved for all this love. I was reborn to enjoy all of this. All this cannot end just like that. I can’t let go of it so soon.
My mind tells me to let go of this stupid thought.
But my heart, the one sweetheart I completely rely on; it somehow is betraying me at this very moment. It’s aching again. I can’t bear it. I simply can’t imagine going through all of it all over again. I was naive back then. I have had such stupid thoughts then that I had wanted to implement a few of them just to let go of all that pain. But today, I am a stronger person, a much more happier person, a very contented one at that. I don’t want to let go of this life.
Not so soon. I simply cannot. I lay down next to them, my life and my breaths. I held them tightly. I remembered Mom’s words, “Chant the mantras. You’ll fall asleep automatically. You’ll start feeling better.”
“Mom!“, I wanted to scream. “It’s not helping any more. I’m not able to concentrate. The mantras are all going wrong. This bloody pain, it is killing me Mom. I can’t bear it any longer. I want to confess somethings Mom. I simply can’t go without telling all this to you and Paa. But for now, I love you. I wish you heard this. I wish you forgive me for all the pain I unwillingly ended up giving both of you. I know you know me inside out. I know you have forgiven me. I know you love me much more than I love you. I hope you know this too.”
Letting go is something I have always tried to learn. But at this very moment, I hate this phrase: Letting go. I don’t want to let go of any of this. I don’t want to let go of any of you. I haven’t lived enough. May be I have. But I want to for a little longer. May be another decade. May be a year you can give me. May be another month. A week. Or may be just another day. At least a few hours. I want to record all those beautiful moments again. I want to save them in my treasure trove which I believe I will be allowed to take with me.
I don’t want to lose my grip. I can’t fail myself. I’ll not.
Imran’s poem that I heard this afternoon on television kept ringing in my ears.
Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
…Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Sleep came slowly. But I was scared. I was scared that it might all come to an end. I didn’t want to sleep. But I fell asleep.
I woke up all drenched in sweat. I pinched myself for added assurance. I looked at my feet to ensure that they were not facing backwards. I was glad they weren’t. I heaved a huge sigh of relief.
Dream? Or a nightmare? Whatever! I hate it. Don’t ever dare to come back. NEVER!