Letting Go: I don’t want to let go

It pained again. This time unusually severe it was. Or may be it’s been years I’ve gotten rid of that same kind of pain. I’m not used to it anymore. I’m told my patience and tolerance is coming down while everything else is going up. My endurance level too would have gone down simultaneously. But I can’t let this happen to me. It cannot be like this. It should not be.

I crouched on the floor, clutching my stomach, doubled in pain. Tears were rolling down. I suddenly held them back. I am strong. I told myself. Yes. I am strong. You can’t beat me again and again.

I wish I had Mom by my side. But then I was glad she wasn’t. I don’t want her to see me cry. She’ll be heartbroken. I won’t, Mom. I won’t. I’m fine. I’m absolutely fine.

It was midnight. They were all sleeping. Sleeping like babies. I didn’t want to wake them up. I didn’t want to let go of this moment. I didn’t want to let go of any of them. I didn’t want to let go of this life. These are all precious to me. Much much more precious than my own self. I have craved for all this love. I was reborn to enjoy all of this. All this cannot end just like that. I can’t let go of it so soon.

My mind tells me to let go of this stupid thought.

But my heart, the one sweetheart I completely rely on; it somehow is betraying me at this very moment. It’s aching again. I can’t bear it. I simply can’t imagine going through all of it all over again. I was naive back then. I have had such stupid thoughts then that I had wanted to implement a few of them just to let go of all that pain. But today, I am a stronger person, a much more happier person, a very contented one at that. I don’t want to let go of this life.

Not so soon. I simply cannot. I lay down next to them, my life and my breaths. I held them tightly. I remembered Mom’s words, “Chant the mantras. You’ll fall asleep automatically. You’ll start feeling better.

Mom!“, I wanted to scream. “It’s not helping any more. I’m not able to concentrate. The mantras are all going wrong. This bloody pain, it is killing me Mom. I can’t bear it any longer. I want to confess somethings Mom. I simply can’t go without telling all this to you and Paa. But for now, I love you. I wish you heard this. I wish you forgive me for all the pain I unwillingly ended up giving both of you. I know you know me inside out. I know you have forgiven me. I know you love me much more than I love you. I hope you know this too.

Letting go is  something I have always tried to learn. But at this very moment, I hate this phrase: Letting go. I don’t want to let go of any of this. I don’t want to let go of any of you. I haven’t lived enough. May be I have. But I want to for a little longer. May be another decade. May be a year you can give me. May be another month. A week. Or may be just another day. At least a few hours. I want to record all those beautiful  moments again. I want to save them in my treasure trove which I believe I will be allowed to take with me.

I don’t want to lose my grip. I can’t fail myself. I’ll not.

Imran’s poem that I heard this afternoon on television kept ringing in my ears.

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya

Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
…Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Sleep came slowly. But I was scared. I was scared that it might all come to an end. I didn’t want to sleep. But I fell asleep.

I woke up all drenched in sweat. I pinched myself for added assurance. I looked at my feet to ensure that they were not facing backwards. I was glad they weren’t. I heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Dream? Or a nightmare? Whatever! I hate it. Don’t ever dare to come back. NEVER!

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20 Replies to “Letting Go: I don’t want to let go”

  1. What a nightmare this would be! And yet this can also be so real. The line between the two is often so blurred, perhaps because each experience is as real as the other on its own plane of existence. Your write-up too sort of suggests (at least to me) this difficult truth of life. How do we let go of this illusion between what is real and what is only a dream/nightmare? No easy answer, but somehow I find your post leading me on to this pondering….very nicely written, Rekha!

  2. I hate that word too Letting go.. usually its something we have loved or cared that we are told to let go.. but then if one has loved and cared for Why let it go.. why not remember the good so we can smile more often …

    1. A special someone once told me, “If there is nothing bad in life, you’ll not be able value the good.”
      So I guess bad is as important and necessary as good is. What say?

  3. That was a terrible nightmare…but in reality I think we never do let go of anyone close to us.. even after they have moved on from this mortal life, they stay with us, through their guidance and the upbringing they gave us… they stay with us as a part of us. I honestly try to believe in this because I think its true..

  4. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well, they’ve obviously never endured pain. But you learn to latch on to hope and cherish what you have.

  5. Gosh! Letting go of the loved ones can scare the living daylights out of anyone. Glad that it was just a dream. But it clearly tells us to cherish each moment with our loved ones!

  6. eh Gads! what was that?! Sent chills down my spine!!
    but yes, letting go is hard.. and I struggle with it at times.. especially letting go of people who don’t want to be in my life. :-/
    its been a struggle and I’d like to think that I’m winning.

    fabulously written! 😀

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