Are all marriages mere compromises?

As usual, during lunch hour today, happened to read a few blog posts.

I chanced upon this email (click here) on IHM’s blog

And then this struck to me.

Are all marriages mere compromises?

Together We Are Complete We Compliment Each Other :-)

NO. Not all.

All marriages are not mere compromises, if not fairy tales. At least I believe so.

It takes two hands to clap. Similarly it takes both the partners to make a marriage a successful one.

At the same time, I don’t believe that one partner compromising all the time helps ever. That kind of marriage, to me, is already a dead relationship, wherein you do not have any respect, any understanding, any admiration, any fruitful communication and most of all, any love for the other partner. It is as good as living with any of those unknown people walking past us on the streets. It really would not make any difference. Would it?

  • How can someone stay around with a person who abuses them physically and mentally, day in and day out?
  • How can one stay with a person who has no respect for his/her own words?
  • How can one be with someone who raises hands at them, every now and then?
  • Is it good to compromise and save a marriage with insane, insensitive people like the one in the post?

I don’t think even kids these days would/should take it casually when someone (including parents) severely punishes them. Let alone an educated adult.

Compromise does work only if both the parties are wanting to save the relationship for the love and respect they have (if at all any). It works when a mistake happens unknowingly or unintentionally by either of them. But it cannot work when it is made for one party’s selfish motives and is repeated time and again.

I know I am talking like I am straight out of Alice’s Wonderland or a Cindrella story. 😐

I know there are plenty of houses around wherein domestic violence happens everyday. And those marriages they say are working on compromises. But tell me frankly, will any of them be happy for once? Will the children of those houses not be getting affected by this stupid routine? What is the advantage  of saving such a marriage? I don’t see any.

To me it looks like caging myself and blaming someone else.

I agree that there aren’t any households or any couples that have not had any issues or any differences of opinion at all. If I say so, I will be lying to myself. No two individuals are alike and hence differences are bound to happen. But torturing someone or abusing someone is the height a marriage can or should take. Talk it out, vent out your anger, cool down and be together again.

If it is compromise that’s keeping you together with a monster or madwoman, you can be assured that your house, your parents, your children, none will ever be happy. One must get out of such a relationship as fast as possible and live peacefully and let others too breathe out a sigh of relief.

old couple

It doesn’t mean that if bones are broken by someone, you should fix them and stay together with that person again.

Does it?

I am not suggesting people to get out of a relationship overnight. Do give it time and make it work if it’s worth it.

But as soon as violence creeps into any relationship, I believe it is already stung with poison. It cannot and should not be allowed to affect other relations.

What’s your take on this? Would love to hear.

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21 Replies to “Are all marriages mere compromises?”

  1. I agree with you. If there is violence then there is disrespect, lack of love, lack of ability to resolve conflicts and a desire to control, or lack of self control, quite probably a feeling that the other partner has no option but to tolerate the abuse – which means a feeling that they can get away with violence and abuse, and that is dangerous too.

  2. To answer the title of your blog post- are all marriages compromises- I’d like to ask, is compromise really such an avoidable thing? Life is full of compromises, big and small- so , rationally speaking, life with another person is bound to throw up situations requiring compromise. Also, every relationship, even the one with the most loving dog in the world- is based on some give and take. So the issue is not really the presence or absence of compromise- it’s the nature of the compromise being made. And it goes without saying, that the lines are drawn differently for different people and different couples. Still, violence in a relationship is abhorrent and never to be ‘compromised’ for.

    1. I agree 100% that compromise is the keyword to a successful relationship. But to what extent? If one partner abuses, hits, mentally harasses the other paryner day in and day out, would you recommend them to compromise. I would not. Violence of any kind should not be encouraged by compromising. It only strengthens the other person’s belief that they can control you, overpower you. It does not lead tge relationship anywhere.

      1. I wold never recommend compromising in any of the situations you’ve mentioned.I was merely referring to the title of the blogpost- not the content per se- as I stated earlier.Staying on in an abusive relationship, and feeling like you are ‘compromising’ for a greater good is a common enough feeling, and sometimes even helps the abused person rationalise their obviously misguided choices .
        The self-deception (terming it as’ compromise’, when it’s actually just not being able to walk away is probably a defense reaction on the victims part. We , on the outside, however, can clearly see that this is *not* the (mutual) compromise that we are taught to inevitably accept in a relationship.

  3. There is certainly much compromise in any relationship, I think. How can two different personalities get along unless certain compromises are made? Mutual understanding is a compromise, isn’t it, at least to some extent?

    1. Fully Agreed, Sir. But that ‘certain amount’ is not quantifiable and the relationship struggles when one of the partners have to put in much more compromises than what is healthy to maintain it. I am myself married for over 10 years and I do understand the importance of compromising. But then the effort is reciprocated which makes it worthwhile. Am I right, Sir?

  4. You have raised an important issue. When we buy a car, a house, electronic goods or even fruits and vegetables, we look into several aspects before finalizing the purchase. However, a majority look into just one or two aspects and finalize the relationship. After marriage when there’s a clash between the expectations, problems arise. In normal course of life there’s compromise between relationships. However, when it comes to some major issues like you said, physical abuse, is due to some major issues with the Character, Education or family background. These aspects need to be checked before finalizing the marriage and if it does happen there’s no use continuing a horrible journey for such partners.

    1. That’s so very true! If only people spent enough time on deciding upon their life’s biggest decisions, things would have been much better. But then many of our Indian families are just waiting to sell off their daughters at the first instant possible. That’s where most of the problems arise. Also, the fear of hurting the loved ones by stepping out of a relation and the fear of acceptance by family, friends and society is the one that make the victim decide otherwise.

  5. It may take two hands to clap, but it takes only one hand to slap.

    A relation works on give and take.. one can’t always be giving or always be taking.. This is there across all stratas of society, and people need to open their minds to the fact that they cannot achieve anything by staying in an abusive relationship. Such people don’t change.. They just keep abusing..

    You might like this: http://www.indianexpress.com/news/why-didn-t-she-walk-out-/1131725/1

    1. “It may take two hands to clap, but it takes only one hand to slap.”

      It’s not that many don’t know this, it’s just the fear of the consequences which I believe stops them. Once the abuser has the victim subdued, he has it for life, until unless the victim decides to fight back.

  6. Compromises are a part of life. To make your marriage work, there can be little adjustments. Compromise sounds a dark gloomy word. What’s the point to compromise in a wedlock full of abuses, physical violence and disrespect. Such compromises should not have place in marriages , rather one should end such a baseless marriage that has no future.

    1. Compromises or adjustments are good if it is balanced. Any kind of imbalance only makes the relationship sour and difficult to continue. However much you try, the scars remain.

  7. Rekha….. As usual… A strong point comes out of your post….. I dont think that marriage is JUSTcompromise. As most of the people have mentioned and lot of our experince speaks….. marriage is ALSO about compromise. It could be in terms of amount of sugar in custard to the extent of choosing the name of your kid. It can be anything.
    At the same time I also agree to your thought that violence in a relationship makes one loose the basic essence of love, purity and trust in the relation. Hence its a clear NO…… BUT at the same time I beleive when we say that one SHOULD move out of such a relation, we are speaking from the class of people who are independent, highly literate ( if not educated). Not all the people ( specially ladies) have the liberty to choose to stay in a relation or not. Some times they are so bound by various reasons that they just cant Quit. The reason could be lack of awareness, lack of education, lack of self reliance, lack of family support.
    I will just give you an example and try and explain what i mean. There is a family with 3 girls,1 boy and a mom and dad. The dad is the only earning member with literacy not more than 10th standard.
    He has managed to get his girls 12th pass. He gets them married and eventually the 2nd girl ends up in a family which is just the one you would like to hate. The husband starts having drugs, starts violence down the line when he is already a dad of 2, one 3 years and another 1 year old.
    The girl’s family now has only the brother as the only earning member with a wife, 2 kids, 2 parents to feed.

    The girl wants to come back but looks back at his brother who is already into debt, father who is suffering from cancer and is no more in earning mode. 2 other sisters who often come back to this brother for financial help. And to top this all the girl is already half blind due to medical conditions.

    Where does she go? What do we people from the working , educated class suggest her?

    I know there are various NGO which support people, but at the same time there are a lot which exploit people for their various weaknesses.

    this girl feels safer being at home, atleast its the husband who is beating. Atleast her kids have a dad who has given them shelter and food and most importantly socially, the lady is still owned by her husband ( I hate to write this)

    I am totally anti-voilence ( of any form) and would love to see these birds fly free but this is just a thought of mine that not all are that fortunate to leave a relation at their wish and run away or slap back.

    1. Shivangi, I truly understand what you are trying to say. There are exceptional cases like these wherein there’s not much the girl can do. But most importantly there is a bigger population which feels it’s a sin, her sin, to be a female and hence one must endure all cruelties one is subjected to. We must try and educate more and more woman that them getting married to a nerd is not their fault, it is not their destiny, they can work wonders with hard work and a little patience and confidence. More to this on the following post….

      http://rekspoursout.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/being-human/

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